To tell you the truth, I sort of lost track of superhero comics around about the time I discovered The Savage Sword of Conan, where every female character was possessed of two attributes: a) double-barreled bodaciousness and b) hair that defied the law of physics in its dogged nipple-seeking qualities. It was like reading 100 episodes of Burlesque Comics waiting for the dancers’ pasties to fall off; I was not a bright adolescent.
The resultant fixation I developed for hacking sorcerers’ heads off as foreplay really haunts me to this day. But little did I know that had I continued reading Action Comics and Detective Comics, and maybe even graduated to this X-Man thing that I remember all the youngsters talking about at some point, I would have encountered still more awkwardness, at least according to this truly mind-bending Cracked.com article on “The 8 Most Sexually Awkward Moments in Comic book History.” I would personally be more inclined to call them “sexually WTF!!!!???!!!???” than “awkward,” but there certainly are a few awkward experiences described here, like Batman’s visit to the Fortress of Solitude, which gets pretty messed up when tentacle aliens drop by for a non-consensual live sex show:
Our heroes just kind of stand around, watching the copious amounts of tentacle sex happen and avoiding eye contact with each other for a few minutes, because “watching emotion-snorting tentacles fuck each other” is right at the top of the list of Things That Ruin Sleepovers. And then things get weird.
Ew. Things definitely get weird, as they do in the further descriptions of truly effin’ weird-ass scenes from Iron Man, X-Men, Green Lantern and more. It hurts my brain to read it. Ow. Ow ow. Ow ow ow.