Social Networking for the Heavily Armed

Actual magnetic resonance image of the author's heart. Off-hand spread at 10 meters, by a blonde named Magdalena who made love like she killed: off-hand, spread, at 10 meters.

If you’ve got a .45 ACP Kimber Ultra Carry II in your pocket AND you’re glad to see me, you’re probably thinking what any responsible, healthy, socially-minded, red-blooded and heavily-armed adult is thinking: “Where can I, as a gun owner, find love?” Meaning other than the local roadhouse, of course, where it can cost up to $45 or $50 plus the cost of the Jack Daniels and the methamphetamine, which can get pretty steep lately, depending on the county.

The good news? Gun Lovers Passions is free. And let me tell you, does this site know a sexy come-on when it sees one or what!?!? Mas oui oui oui, mon petit chou!

Welcome to Gun Lovers Passions!

Like To Shoot Stuff?

Definitely starting off on the right foot! Though I’m not sure if they mean “stuff” as in “assault rifles” or “stuff” as in “squirrels and Democrats.” I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, but in any event, back to Gun Lovers Passions:

A 100% free social networking & niche online dating site specifically for gun owners, gun lovers & 2nd Amendment advocates. Use the ‘Gun Groups’ to find others who share the same interests as you, whether that be hunting, target practice or skeet shooting. Have questions about particular types of guns? Find other pistol owners, rifle owners & shotgun owners. Why not join a community of like-minded individuals where you can relax and have some fun, make new friends and maybe even find a little romance. Sign up now to enjoy free gun chat, gun loving message boards & email. And on top of all that, enjoy something extra.

By “Something Extra,” of course, I assume they’re referring to the extra oooomph! that you get in your love life when both partners carry a handgun with a high-capacity magazine. Sadly, “Something Extra” doesn’t mean web development, because GLP is a shittty whitelabel of the even shittier Passions Network. Searching nationwide for the ladies 18 to 99, I get 354 hits — hardly a bounty of well-armed dames begging to help me handload my Boxer-primed cases, if you know what I mean.

Things are even less exciting at MyGunSpot.com, where the first thing you may notice is that your pointer’s turned into — that’s right!! Crosshairs!! As the intro tells us:

MyGunSpot is the social networking website created for gun owners, by gun owners.

Here, you can connect with other gun owners to discuss gun-related matters, join groups, create your own blog, share pictures, play games, find gun-related books/DVDs, use the gun-related classifieds, and stay up to date on gun-related news. This community places an emphasis on safe and responsible gun ownership, and advocacy for the right of law abiding citizens to keep and bear arms.

Unfortunately, there are only 217 of them — that’s right, a whopping 217 members on the site, hardly a potential harem of hotties lining up to help me rack my slide, if you catch my drift.

Are things more lively over at Facebook, the virtual Wal-Mart of human connection, which I can almost guarantee you has helped more people find love than all the Birther rallies in history? Yes! Search for “Gun Owner Groups” on Facebook and you get this somewhat disturbing image:

…which seems to indicate that Responsible Gun Owners can kiss Texas’s ass, as can more or less everybody if you ask the Texans.

But if you search for just plain run-of-the-mill “gun owners,” you get the groups Gun Owners (5,000+ members), Gun Owners of America (more than 35,000 members) and Gun Owners again (about 1,100).

Now, granted, Facebook is not OKCupid or eHarmony, so I don’t expect to answer a thousand questions about caliber vs. gauge, 6.35mm vs. .32 ACP, magazine capacity vs. concealed carry profile etc. etc. etc. and at the end of it all have my heavily-armed dream girl crawl out of my USB port or — better yet — have me strap on my .500 Nitro Express in a shoulder rig, hit myself with about eight shots of Binaca and and crawl in to meet her.

But Facebook is, as we know, a hotbed of love, because nothing’s sexier than people you went to high school with posting photos of their kids with baked beans all over their faces, right? Yes, well, on the Facebook Flirt scale, Gun Owners group #1 doesn’t fare so well. Here’s one example from the landing page:

…which kinda speaks for itself. As far as I can tell, the “gun owners” doing the “networking” don’t want to talk about girls, God or guns; they don’t want to share shooting experiences or consumer information or promote responsible gun ownership; they want to foam at the mouth and rail against Socialist scum and their conspiracy to outlaw the hollow points for the Browning Automatic Rifle Jesus Christ himself guaranteed each and every American an unlimited supply of in the constitution.

And proclaim Patrick Swayze’s greatness.

Fuck that shit. I’m gonna go slip into something a little more ballistic and bitterly cling to my 1944 Moisin-Nagant; it’s a hell of a lot sexier than any of these people. And it smells better, too.

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