In case you were wondering, the original version of Google’s motto:
“Don’t be Evil”
was
“Don’t be evil. Be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOPER evil!”
It should be said while rubbing your hands together. And, for the record, the correct spelling is “Muahahahaha,” thought “Mwahahahaha” will do in a pinch.
A great short CNet article hips me to the fact that consumer advocacy group ConsumerWatchdog.org is running paid video ads in Times Square depicting Google CEO Eric Schmidt as a creepy ice cream truck driver handing out free sweets and conducting full-body scans. The one posted on CNet is absolutely mind-blowing. Rendered with all the Pixar-worshipping relish of a machinima editor, it is the creepiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. It makes Rosemary’s Baby look like a fanvid remake of Brigadoon starring chihuahuas in hand-sewn costumes.
And just how much do you love the fact that you’re watching it on YouTube, a Google subsidiary? See, the system works, right? My favorite part is when Schmidt tells the (curiously all-minority) children that while Mommy doesn’t know Daddy surfs “sports” websites, Daddy doesn’t know Mommy’s been Googling old boyfriends.
Ummmmmmmm…kids? I’ve got way worse news for you. Daddy’s not surfing sports websites. That’s what he tells Mommy he’s surfing. And “googling old boyfriends”? Um, yeah, well, colloquially speaking, that’s one word for it, I suppose, but to find out the more common term, you have to turn off Safe Search.
What reason could Consumer Watchdog possibly have for lighting a Google Bomb with Eric Schmidt’s name on it?
Why should they need one?
Schmidt’s famously Goebellsian opinion that “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place” has been bullhorned back to him a thousand times, a syllable at a time through the opposite orifice he first used to spew it — but just because we’re all sick of hearing it doesn’t mean such idiocy shouldn’t carry the PR equivalent of the death penalty. The sentiment is particularly cheery to people in places like Iran and China, where doing something that pisses people off isn’t generally quite as much OMG-I-was-so-drunk-did-I-really-make-out-with-that-guy-from-B-Dorm? as it is in the United States, and for that matter doing things that might jeopardize a U.S. teen’s social standing on the girls’ swim team can actually get your face splashed with acid.
And to be fair, in that quote, Schmidt was sorta talking about terrorism…right?
Well…he was and he wasn’t. Far more troubling is Schmidt’s suggestion to the Wall Street Journal, lovingly mocked in Chris Matyszczyk’s post, that kids change their names to get away from any mistakes they made under Google’s watchful bug-eyes during their teen years.
I couldn’t agree with him more; in fact, women being stalked by ex-boyfriends should also change their names constantly to avoid infringing Google’s rights. So should people who witness violent crimes or testify in criminal cases. So should jurors…
Otherwise, where would the rest of us get our free ice cream?
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