Techyum Halloween: Really Gross Halloween Candy

Burying human hearts in the local cemetery is a little hardcore (and surely time-consuming) for Halloween revelers who want to have a little edgy fun. Eating a fake gummy heart you just injected with runny candy goop and making nom-nom-nom noises while your friends turn away in disgust (and your spooky date swoons in zombie lust) will bring you much more instant gratification, we assure you. However, while the candy heart on the right sure looks, um, delicious, and we all scream for Gummy Blood and strawberry gummy brains swimming in cherry blood, there are way, way more grosser things you can stick in your mouth and get a sugar rush from this Halloween. And we’re not just talking about the Techyum office bottle of Luden’s Cherry Cough Syrup we fight over at ten AM every day…

Sure the Roadkill Gummy Animals are actually kind of cute. How about some Gummy Earwax? They are “lemon flavor” and “fat free” so you’ll surely keep your ghoulish figure.

Supposedly these Candy Blood Bags will make our Twilight party a real hit. Watermelon flavor, but I got one in strawberry at Claire’s at the mall. Seriously, I did. Also in cherry.

It’s always funny to order fast food and get a human remain in your dinner. So the chewy gummy Flesh Fries are a mouth full of LOL.

It’s not just that they made urine sample candy and named it Tower of Sour. It’s that it comes in a rainbow of colors and flavors, just like it never, ever should. (Yellow – Lemonade; Blue – Fruit Punch; Purple – Grape; Green – Green Apple; Red – Cherry.)

Kids love to eat Band-Aids, so why not give them more of what they crave? That’s what Boo Boo Licks Candy Bandages are for!

After five packs of Larvets for dinner, Minty Maggots are perfect for freshening up your breath right before that Halloween first kiss.

Nothing is more attractive than a guy who wants to share his chewy, liquid-filled Zit Poppers. With you, because you’re special. “They’re oozy, sticky, goo filled gummies ripe for squirting…. and come in 2 fruity flavors as most zits do: Strawberry and Watermelon.”

And every girl will want your Toe Jam Cotton Candy melting in her mouth. Apple flavor for the win.

Who doesn’t love barf? Give your favorite anorexic something they can chew on, guilt-free — give them the gift of Barf Bags: “Orange-flavored gummy and liquid candy. Fat-free.”

Picking your nose and eating it is not just for the privileged few: now you can be just like the Prime Minister of Italy and treat yourself to Nose Nuggets Gum. Alternately, Candy Boogers: “Tangy gummy boogies that look and feel like real chunks of snot! Each box of boogers includes 3 fabulous flavors: Snottermelon, Sour Green Boogy, and Lemon Loogy. Just place a gummy boogy on your finger and start munching!”

Squeeze a cat, and out comes deliciousness. O hai! Tricky, tricky kittehs, hiding our treats in their buttholes! It’s the Tricky Kitty Pooping Candy Dispensers: “Simply push down on the rear end of the cat to dispense jelly bean doo doo.”

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