Party Like It’s…

Before the Fat Daddy in red finishes making his list and checking it twice, you know you need to get your ass in gear to start loading up your wish list at Rave Ready.

Come on: do you really wanna be standing there wearing jodhpurs, riding boots and a top hat with clocks, waving your howdah pistol like a douchebag and spouting By Jove‘s and Full Steam Ahead‘s when Doctor Who shows up to jack your ass back to Christmas, 1992 to help him score some wicked E without that speedy 1996 edge to it?

You lookin' at me?I mean, forget this let’s-just-slingshot-around-the-sun shit; this is real time travel. By the time you’ve strapped on the Cryoflesh UV Tube Monocle, you’ll already be conducting covert surveillance on your ear, from what I can tell. It doesn’t seem to come with a schematic, so I’m meeting the manufacturer more than halfway, here.

Once you know what your pesky ear has been up to, of course, you just might start your own chain reaction that, sooner or later, spells Total Disintegration of the MyndStreams, you know what I’m saying?

I think it’s supposed to mean you’re a Borg or a cyber pyrate or some guy named Field Marshall Von Hack or something. It’s not that it’s not a practical sort of monocle. It’s just that its use hasn’t been invented yet. Other than looking fabulous, of course.

And once you start huffing the nightmare in the CryoFlesh Chemi-Kill Cyber Circuitry Mask, that won’t just be Vick’s Vapo-Rub you’re smelling. It’s the ripe scent of your own flavorful intestinal gas, all tangled up with the lingering scent of Pintos & Cheese, Hold the Cheese, from last night’s midnight Taco Bell run after you closed down the Smart Bar at Der Screamm Parrtie while hacking the Pentagon mainframe and dodging bullets…or was that just a comic book you saw projected on the floor as you sweated and undulated all over a glostick-dappled UC Merced girl in a safety-orange unitard, plaid cat ears and clear plastic platform boots?

But wait. This one goes “ZabbaZabba!”:

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. What, are there no stylish options for Clinton-era females who want to fuzzy-pixie sexy-walk into a past-future retro-filled with candy-colored Thorazine rainbows and Niacin-gobbling bio-fueled mind expansion? What do you think, genius?

"Mine tastes like bowel resection!" MTCoffinz Glow in the Dark Binary Code Red Crossed Syringe Surgical Mask. You heard me.

"Is it getting hot in here?" Adjamiba Swizzle Pink and Purple Leg Warmers with matching Fluffies. (Fluffies?) Yes, I said "Fluffies," now STFU. And yes, it's getting hot in here. Or maybe that's just the meth in your Smart Water.

Oh God. Oh my God. Oh my God, Christ in Heaven, where the fuck did I put that blue pill...

By the way, those leg warmers and “Fluffies,” RaveReady tells us, “are imported from the UK and made of the highest quality materials,” which as far as I can figure means they’re made from actual free-range Martian ostrich-tribbles, rather than the crap those other companies will sell you — leg warmers made from Martian ostrich-tribbles raised unethically and unsustainably on a Martian ostrich-tribble farm. Be responsible consumers, people. Martian ostrich-tribbles have feelings too, and plus they’re psychic and can transmit TMJ through their ostrichy mind-control rays if you don’t wear the special anti-mind-control pendant RaveReady provides.

But wait — check out this handsome gent, whose stylish mask “Matches the Circuit Puncture line of clothing perfectly.” However, “Like all fine clothing,” you should “only dry clean or wash in cold water and line dry, or tumble on NO heat…Do not iron the vinyl!”

Don't get excited: No matter how many times you smack your palm on the "Minus" symbol, this guy won't minimize. Sorry. You're just going to have to sleep with him.

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