A Techyum Christmas: The UFO Detector for the Abductee On Your List

You know, when you do your holiday shopping with Wikileaks’ mortal enemy, you discover just how many smart-asses are out there culture-jamming the universe and providing, therefore, the perfect Christmas gift for humbugs like yours truly: SNARK, wrapped up with a shiny silver bow. And they’ve been doing it since long before it was “cool!” Just to be assholes, I’ll wager.

Take, for instance, the UFO Detector from Images SI, which I found while searching Amazon for plutonium (don’t ask).

What the manufacturer says about it is uproarious enough to begin with:

Do UFO’s; Unidentified Flying Objects exist? Of course they exist! UFO sightings are reported all over the globe by thousands of people. The real question is whether UFO’s are interstellar vehicles visiting Earth? Most UFO sightings can be classified as misidentified aircraft, planets or other aerial phenomena, but not all of them. There is that small percentage of UFO reports that can’t be explained by any known aircraft or natural phenomena. It is this small percentage of reports that create an exciting possibility. Over the years the small percentage of real UFO sightings have reported magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances. The UFO Detector is designed to sense these disturbances and will signal their presence by flashing an LED and beeping. The elegantly designed transparent plastic case is a handsome sculptured conversation piece that’s allows one to see the electronics inside the case. Suitable for display on a desk, shelf or bedroom dresser. Size is approximately 3.25″ dia. by 5.75″ tall. Uses 9V lithium battery (not included).

…So be sure if you pick one up as a last-minute gift for someone, you grab a 9-volt at the truck stop on the way up to their fortified compound in the Sierras. Can you imagine how pissed off you’d be if you were holed up in the mountains on Christmas, screaming “Eat lead Green Slime Things!” and had a perfectly good UFO detector to alert you when the aliens got there to pick you up for church, but the “friend” who gave it to you forgot to deliver a battery?

Anyway, that’s just the starting point for a wave of smart-ass weirdness, like this review from They Are Everywhere:

I am so tired of the looks and stupid questions. “Gee Grandpa, did they anally probe you?” Sure, keep laughing. It’s all fun and games until they show up at your house. Let me tell you something else, TIN FOIL DOES NOT WORK. I don’t care what your reptilian friends told you. It does not affect the subtle cloaking radiation that makes him appear human….

Sorry, I got side tracked from the review.

This amazing device gives ample warning and is HIGHLY ACCURATE. I had a pretty good idea of when there was abnormal activity in my area. BUT NOW, DAMN. Every time that I notice distorted sensory emissions, bang, the detector is going off! WOOT WOOT WOOT!

Ah, yes, the comforting sound of WOOT WOOT WOOT!, just before you get sucked up into a beam of light. I know it well!

Some found the UFO detector lacking in its efficacy. Take note of this one-star number from A Trustworthy Human:

I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

Others are with They Are Everywhere, if for somewhat different reasons. The device helped Modern Blue Argonaut identify the real enemy:

I wasn’t really sure when I ordered this if it was going to actually help me identify overhead UFO’s, but by gosh, it does the trick. You see, I’m a taxi driver and as I drive people around I sometimes get these odd feelings, and I wasn’t sure if it was that my passengers were creeping me out, or if some other sinister force was at work. I installed this on my dashboard, and as we approached EPCOT (A Disney theme park) this thing started to go off like crazy! Yes, the “Spaceship Earth” as they call it at EPCOT is in fact a real UFO. As a nation, we have been led to believe that Disney is all about make-believe and fairy tales, but I tell you folks, WATCH OUT! I can’t wait to take this with me when my family and I head down to area 51 this summer.

Oh, did I mention that in addition to the manufacturer photos, these are the helpful “User Images” submitted to Amazon?

UFOs, sure, of course, but can I just ask, what in the HOLY NAME OF GOD is going on in that second image from the right? Anyone? Anyone?

That leftmost pic, by the way, is watermarked “MOLLER,” which led me to believe it’s connected in some way with the Moller Skycar being developed (still!!) just a quick commute-by-flying-car from me in Davis, California. But I had no real indication about that one way or another (Moller is an extremely common Germanic surname) until I realized that it’s a $90,000 Moller Volantor. Not a UFO at all! Except to the SEC

But on a more important note…did I ask yet what in the SCREAMING BEJEEZUS is going on in that second image from the right? Anyone?

The best news of all is that this is the UFO-02 detector…so if you’ve got a total of $300 to spend, you can get someone this model AND the UFO-01 detector. Be warned, though, that the UFO-01 model seems to be more prone to false alarms, according to Throbbin’ Hood Carlin’s Ghost, whoever that is…

…my microwave, TV, radio, and cellphone have been causing the device to alarm several times, sending me in a state of panic where I’d hide under my bed for days. Next time it went off it was no false alarm. And I was, again, on board an alien vessle with probes hanging from every opening of my body.

…Or you could just give your abductee friends something they can really use. It’ll also make their neighbors feel safer!

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