A friend posted something today with the proclamation: “The end times are upon us, as evidenced by this abomination.”
He was referring to what may possibly be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen — and believe me, I’ve seen some weird, weird things — ArKay, the alcohol-free Scotch.
Trust me, it makes as little sense to me as it does to you — possibly less. What’s next, alcohol-free Nairobi moonshine, made out of simulated nuclear waste, radiator fluid that won’t hurt you, dead rats that are really just props and ladies’ panties that have never been worn?
Don’t get me wrong, Scottish Spirits Ltd. has a perfectly good business rationale for this insanity:
Scottish Spirits LTD has developed ArKay, the world’s first alcohol free whisky. ArKay is specifically targeted for Muslim consumers worldwide since it is Halal approved…ArKay non alcohol whisky tastes and looks exactly like traditional Scotch Whisky. It is suitable for drinking straight up or with soda, tea or other mixers. ArKay is the result of 10 years of research and development.
“Suitable for drinking straight up or with soda, tea or other mixers.” Tea!?!?!? Tea!!!???!!!!
The manufacturer can’t even call it Scotch, mind you, because distillers in Scotland control the use of that term. And they carry swords the size of helicopter blades. But they still call it “whiskey”…why? In any event, it turns out that (as far as I can tell) it’s not distilled in Scotland, although…wait a second, “distilled”??? How do you distill something that’s alcohol-free?
This thing hurts my brain.
As a science nerd, of course, I want to know what the hell this crap is made out of — other than the souls of the innocent. In that, the website is of no help:
Specifications: Made from natural identical ingredients in accordance with EEC regulations and from artificial flavors and natural malt extract in accordance with the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
Custom Labels: The text on the labels will be printed according to the health and import regulations of the distributor’s home country.
The good news is that it’s still at the distribution stage, and as far as I can tell doesn’t appear to be on the shelves anywhere. The minimum order is 1,200 cases, so if you want some of this stuff you’d better be thirsty for abomination.
Apparently having not yet secured their places in Hell, the same producer sells whisky in a can, which “will be available soon” — check it:
Scottish Spirits’ Whisky in a can is not produced in Scotland, therefore it is not Scotch Whisky , it is whisky and will be only marketted as such [sic.]
It turns out that the company is “Registered in Panama,” by which I assume they mean incorporated — though they claim to have a “distribution center” in Glasgow. Their domain is also registered in Panama.