You Must Be At Least *This* Tall to Ride Jesus


I love the concept of Christian theme parks, but the reality never lives up to my high hopes. When I read about creationists endeavoring to create a multi-million dollar Christian theme park in Britain, I immediately envisioned the Red Seas parting every hour (like at Universal), Pirates of the Carribean style rides through Sodom, and at least one awesome biblical Scrambler ride threatening to eject children (or the vomit of innocents) every 15 minutes. Let’s just say I was really let down when I saw that,

The latest salvo in creationism’s increasingly ferocious battle with evolution is about to be fired in Lancashire. Not in a fiery sermon preached from the pulpit, but in the form of a giant Christian theme park that will champion the book of Genesis and make a multi-media case that God created the world in seven days.
The AH Trust, a charity set up last year by a group of businessmen alarmed by the direction in which they see society heading, has identified a number of potential sites in the north west of England to build the £3.5m Christian theme park.
The trust claims it already has a number of rich backers who are keen to invest in the project, which will boast two interactive cinemas, a cafeteria, six shops and a television recording studio, allowing it to produce its own Christian-themed films and documentaries.

Multimedia theme park? “Interactive cinemas”? Yaaawn. They should really pay attention to the lessons of Orlando, Florida’s failing, money-hemorrhaging Holy Land Experience — which even after losing 100 employees, their board president, and they sit in $8 million in debt, still manage to have actors in Centurion garb publicly whip Jesus’ ass for popcorn-snarfing brats and blue-haired retirees every afternoon. I mean, if they can’t make it in Orlando…
Entertain thyself and check out the pictures on Holy Land’s website, featuring totally accurate recreations of the Jerusalem street market full of smiling, white non-Jewish people — and wonder about the “largest indoor model of Jerusalem in the world” [exhibit] circa AD 66, which was mysteriously “altered to fit the message of the park”.

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