Remember the cataclysmic cultural change that was “caffeinated water”? Well, apparently such jack-you-up water products as Water Joe and Fyxx Hybrid are just a little too nerve-wracking for today’s slacker culture. Dream water to the rescue! That’s right! It’s a delicious new way to get to sleep! Drink Dream Water and you, too, can be a tie-tie bun-bun.
How many times have I followed this company’s motto? “Drink to dream.” Too many times to count! In fact, I seem to remember that being the title of a Tom Waits out-take played on jaw harp and broken bottle. But I’m relieved to hear that Thunderbird and Rebel Yell bourbon are no longer the only libations that’ll help me saw the heck out of a few logs. Dream Water is here to help.
Featuring THIS arresting image from the Aldous Huxley/George Orwell/District 9 Clip Art Collection, drinkdreamwater.com informs me that I can get a “Free Snoozeberry Shot” — “A free sample today may deliver sound sleep tomorrow,” which tells me they’ve never ordered a free sample of anything by fourth-class mail.
What exactly packs Dream Water’s crisp, clean taste with so many Z’s? The answer is a simple “Gamma-Amino Butyric Acid, Melatonin, and 5HTP,” all of which are commonly-available over-the-counter supplements that for years have provided in-the-know alt-med practitioners with the kind of all-natural non-habit-forming chill-out assistance for which, back in the day, prior generations used to turn to Quaaludes, morphine and heroin. But now it’s in water. The same sort-of-all-natural stuff you can buy on the vitamin aisle at your local drug store can now be guzzled down almost as if it were a new product, rather than something some jackass dumped into a vat of tap water and shipped to your doorstep while laughing his ass off all the way to the bank.
And the really good news is that even though American consumers may finally be cluing in to the idea that they’re double-spending by blowing municipal resources on making their tap water safe and then buying bottled water because (left wing version) “You just never know what’s in the water!” or (right wing version) “Obama’s putting fluoride in it!” the profits of the giant corporations that manufacture non-biodegradable bottles out of petrochemicals will remain secure.
It’s also nice to know our descendants will remember us. In fact, they’ll never be able to take a step without kicking their way through discarded plastic bottles, thus being reminded of poor old great-great-Gramps who apparently needed to chug down six bottles of Dream Water every night to get to sleep because he was so stressed out about his generation having fucked up the environment.
Cause, y’know, what’s the one thing a body needs as much as food and nice fresh clean water? That’s right. Sleep.
It’s thoughtfully provided, now, at a Wal-Mart near you.