Not like you didn’t already know this, but there’s a shortage of exorcists. I mean, it’s getting almost as bad as 911 being a joke! And yet, as often happens when you’re not sure how to take your Ruger 10/22 to the next level of fun, in the case of an exorcism you simply must consult the experts.
I mean, did Season 6 teach us nothing!?!? Start waving a thurible around howling, “Out, demon! Please, demon?” and you’re likely to find yourself pulling a Father Karras, if not a Merrick. I mean, would you just, oh, offer to trade out the compressor on the B engine of the 747 you’re about to board for a quick trip to Paris? Then why would you try to uninstall some mime named Pazzuzu who’s making your kid dance around in her nightgown screaming obscenities and breaking your nose?
That’s when you talk to the experts, which is why the Catholic church is training more exorcists in the U.S.:
The two-day training, starting Friday in Baltimore, is to outline the scriptural basis of evil, instruct clergy on evaluating whether a person is truly possessed, and review the prayers and rituals that comprise an exorcism. Among the speakers will be Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, archbishop of Galveston-Houston, Texas, and a priest-assistant to New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan.
“Learning the liturgical rite is not difficult,” DiNardo said in a phone interview. “The problem is the discernment that the exorcist needs before he would ever attempt the rite.”
…Despite strong interest in the training, skepticism about the rite persists within the American church. Organizers of the event are keenly aware of the ridicule that can accompany discussion of the subject.* Exorcists in U.S. dioceses keep a very low profile. In 1999, the church updated the Rite of Exorcism, cautioning that “all must be done to avoid the perception that exorcism is magic or superstition.”
…’Cause it’d be a real shame if people got the impression that an exorcism was magic. That would be a bummer.
In any event, more than 50 bishops and 60 priests signed up for the training, which preceds the American Conference of Catholic Bishops, starting Monday in Baltimore. And no, weirdos, not this part of Baltimore.
*I have NO idea what they’re talking about. –author