A Techyum Christmas Part 2: Uranium. Yes, Uranium!

In case you didn’t know, you’ve always been able to buy uranium ore for scientific and educational use. “Always” being, maybe, a strong word for it, but…you get the point.

But whether it always came in a retasked Burt’s Bees container, I’m not sure.

And unless you want to look up one morning and see F-22 Raptors dropping daisycutters on your ass, don’t even talk about putting it in your yellow cake! As delicious as it would surely be…

And also in case you didn’t know, if your devious plan is to build some sort of, you know, a, um, sort of a “device,” or even power your next super-android Ex-Mr/s. Techyum Reader or fill your subterranean lair (ie, parents’ basement) with atomic-powered harem-girl bodyguards, we at Techyum do not approve of such endeavors. You’re MAD, we tell you. MAD!!

The truth is, if you wanna do anything really dangerous with uranium, you’ll need, at the very least, to put out a Craigslist ad. And did we mention you’re mad, we tell you, mad?

If you’d like to test your Geiger counter, though, this stuff is great for doing it. I’m also betting it’d be awesome for playing high-larious pranks on terrorists, though Laffy Taffy seems to work fine for that.

Nobody told that to mad scientist and monster-hunter Kyle J. Von Bose, though.

Kyle (whose Mom will be forwarding his letters to Gitmo) headlined his Amazon.com review “So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore“:

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortunately my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

Nero Goldstein‘s Amazon review describes how he found an alternative household use for the stuff:

Picked this up for use in one of my kid’s ‘diversity’ projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda….Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you’re supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner!

But if you want to feel bad for someone, feel bad for Patrick J. McGovern, Procrastinating Evil Scientist, who thinks he’s soooooooooooo funny when he calls attention to a central design flaw of this product:

I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

Sadly, the distributor can not help him with that. Patrick will have to take his complaint up with the manufacturer.

Anyway, for those of you out there already plotting your escape from your incarceration beneath the snows of Antarctica in a secret base guarded by a shadowy para-governmental mercenary army of genetically-engineered jarheads, you should know that according to the product description, this stuff is shipped:

…in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials. Item will be shipped in accordance with Postal Service activity limits specified in Publication 52…

…so if you’re outsmarting your captors and mail-ordering some, Hannibal Lecter style, make sure you file the proper forms with the Department of Supervillain Redundancy Supervillain Department….or at least have your minions minions minions do it.

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