Did you know you’re not supposed to say that in bringing a food product to market, you’re not supposed to say it’s made from “real zombies” — unless, presumably, it really is? That you shouldn’t call it “slimy?” That the government really hates it if you imply that your product is made from mutated human (or formerly-human) flesh?
Well, the makers of Zombie Jerky know it, now that USDA has made them change their labeling to avoid misleading terms like “doesn’t turn you into a zombie.” As reported by David Moye at AOL Weird News, the original labeling for Zombie Jerky included a few choice succulent delicious phrases that tweaked the USDA officials, delaying the product’s entry into American markets:
Seems there were a few sticking points with the label, specifically terms like “mutagen free” and calling the flavor of the jerky “Teriyucky.” The reviewer also suggested removing or modifying statements that the jerky meat came from “naturally occurring zombies” and that it “doesn’t turn you into a zombie.”
Apparently, however, Cancer Man and his secret cabal of black-suited government obfuscators don’t regulate online claims, since Harcos’s website still delivers the truth on the green substance:
Zombie Jerky is a processed jerky made from the finest of zombies (or “cows” as some people might call them). Harcos Laboratories makes it a policy to never create new zombies, and just uses one of the many naturally-occurring zombies that can be found out trudging in the streets. Often times the same zombies that are used for the gathering of our Zombie Blood are used for Zombie Jerky as well. Consider it one of the many ways that Harcos Labs is going green.
Harcos also markets Zombie Blood, which comes in a container that looks like a plasma bottle:
Zombie Blood contains the extra strong green zombie blood cells that helped zombies to become the strongest, most horrifying scourge on the face of our planet. These cells temporarily give you zombie strength in the form of additional energy for sports, long workdays, late night studying, or ironically, killing zombies with a cricket bat…
And yes, you can buy this delicious, nutritious substance at Hot Topic.