Rand Paul’s Been Waiting 20 Years to Talk to You About Toilets and Liberty

Freshman Senator Rand Paul has been waiting for 20 years to talk to you about toilets and liberty. He wants a super-toilet — and he’s not talking about a throne with goldfish, one that plays “Bolero” when he does number 2. His beef is that he has to flush ten times — and how is that not “antithetical to the American way?”

This gent apparently emits some phenomenally potent waste products. Been there, Senator! I mean, this one time I was road tripping across I-40, and I ate at McDonald’s and then I ate at Der Wienerschitzel and then I ate at Taco Bell and then I ate at Pizza Hut, and lemme tell you…

But seriously now, folks. Senator Paul even went so far to compare “a woman’s right to an abortion” to his right to buy a one-flush toilet. According to Talking Points Memo, Senator Paul laid out his manifesto for toilet freedom to the Energy and Natural Resources Committee:

“I think there should be some self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman’s right to an abortion, but you don’t favor a woman or a man’s right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher, what kind of washing machine.”

Ideally, Paul said, the government would use a bully pulpit to persuade people to use more efficient lightbulbs, washing machines, and toilets, but not intrude in the marketplace of water- and energy-wasting products. Particularly toilets.

“I find that all of the arguments for energy efficiency you’re exactly right. We should conserve energy. Why not do it in a voluntary way?” he said. “I find this antithetical to the American way.”

It turns out Paul was flushing away decades worth of pent up anger about not being able to own a toilet that gets ‘er done in a single flush.

“We have to flush the toilet 10 times before it works,” Paul said. “I’ve been waiting for 20 years to talk about how bad these toilets are and this was a good excuse today.”


My big concern there is the Senator’s definition of “good.” But if he’s been waiting 20 years, he’s probably pretty eager. Hey, I’ve only been waiting about ten years to talk about the hijacking of American politics by self-important boneheads, and yet often when I sit down to take a Number 2, I unexpectedly emit my most cogent political criticism of the neoconservative movement — especially after a nice meal of hot wings and Budweiser from 7-11.

And when that happens, I have to flush WAY more than ten times…

[Via Susie Bright.]

Rand Paul: “I Have Less Choice in Toilets Than Women Have In Abortion.”

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