If your favorite seasonal sweet is a fruitcake, move along. If, on the other hand, you are a fruitcake, and your boyfriend/girlfriend/stalking victim frequently lets you know it through threatening emails, broken headlights and/or restraining orders, then you are the target market for Despair.com’s BitterSweets, the candy that’s just sweet enough to give you that lonely sugar high while you’re watching Bridget Jones’s Diary and/or The Matrix on a certain upcoming Thursday — and just bitter enough to see you through the crash afterwards when you realize that those movies suck and so does your life (and so does everything, while we’re at it).
This year Despair offers three flavors of BitterSweet, one for each member of the Holy Trinity. You can opt for “Dejected” (“depressing sayings for those spending Valentine’s Day alone and in a state of self-flagellation”), “Dysfunctional” (“biting barbs for stirring up the bile in toxic relationships”) and the brand-spankin’-new-for-election-year “Dumped,” which includes such choice kissoffs as “CELIB8 THX2U,” “CALL A 900#” and “U LEFT SEATUP.”
Despair, in case you haven’t heard, are the cheerful weasels who brought us the Demotivators, straightfaced parodies of those weird inspirational posters you see on the walls of regional offices and car dealerships, and occasionally in the apartments of extraordinary credulous young Republicans. What Demotivators are to team-building exercises (the creepy hillbilly stalking you and your coworkers with a chainsaw between the rope swing and the Parkour course), BitterSweets are to love (Glenn Close).