Mossberg. “Just In Case.”

The The Mossberg 500® Mariner™ from the Just In Case™ Series.

On a slow, brain-dead Monday morning, a visit to the website of manufacturer O.F. Mossberg & Sons nets me Monday Morning Shotgun Pr0n on an unprecedented level.

Take, for instance, the new Mossberg “Just In Case” series, in which your pistol-grip Mossberg 500 is packed into a waterproof “Survival Kit-in-a-Can,” enabling you to, you know, stuff it in the bilge of your 40-foot Catalina sailboat and then forget about it.

Until, that is, Chilean pirates jack your Cat off Tierra del Fuego during your long-dreamed-about post-retirement voyage around the world with Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Love Hewitt once you win the lottery. Then you’ll be set! Tell those pirates what’s what! Can you even imagine the affections Penny and Jenny will lavish on your septugenarian ass once you save them from pirates with this big-bore taste of God’s Vengeance, Bubbah?

Yeah, I bet you can, weirdo. Sez Mossberg:

The heart of the JIC™ package is the venerable 12 gauge Mossberg® 500® Pump-Action. Fitted with a compact 18-1/2” barrel and rugged synthetic pistol grip and forearm, it’s offered in your choice of the blued Cruiser® model, the Mariner®, or the Sandstorm™ featuring our proprietary Marinecote™ finish for employment in or around harsh marine environments. Each is sealed in a re-sealable clear bag, and is packaged in a heavy-duty, waterproof synthetic carrying-tube complete with re-sealable top and nylon carrying strap. You’ll also find convenient accessories including the waterproof ‘Survival Kit-In-A-Can’ (Cruiser® model), or the durable multi-tool and serrated lock-back knife combo pack with cordura case (Mariner® model).

The Mariner, of course, is the version finished in stainless steel, which cuts down on corrosion in a maritime environment. That’s the one you’ll want for your pleasure cruise around the world turned pirate-interdiction mission. The weapon also comes in desert-camo colors as the Sandstorm model, just in case you need to, you know, deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan or Beaver, Utah or something. That way it’ll match your Texaco gimme cap:

The Mossberg 500® JIC™ Sandstorm™ model.

And that’s not all you’ll find at the Mossberg website today! As a well-known Mossberg motto goes, “Cuz Hunting Ain’t Catch and Release,” cuz, you’ll find the new 510 Mini, available in 20-gauge or .410, which has a modular stock so you can start your kids blowing things away well in advance of the zombie apocalypse! (To be fair, there’s actually a strong safety argument for teaching youths to use guns early — one that just happens to coincide with the marketing goals of the gun press’s most powerful advertisers. I’m genuinely positive that’s a complete coincidence.) Anyway, here’s the glorious Mossberg 510 Mini:

The Mossberg 510 Mini. The good news? Your daughter can use it. The bad news? Look, Dad, just watch your mouth about Katy Perry.

Of course, the big news on the Mossberg front is the semi-automatic Mossberg® 930™ SPX™, Shooting Illustrated‘s “2009 Shotgun of the Year.” But is that what Mossberg calls it? Hell, no!

We call it the best auto-loading home-defense shotgun money can buy. …[It was] recognized with the prestigious NRA Golden Bullseye Award for 2009. Among their comments, editors pointed out the shotgun’s exceptional value, and described it succinctly as “Simple, rugged and reliable.” When it comes to home-security firearms, a simple-to-operate, dependable firearm in a crisis can make a world of difference. For that reason, Mossberg 930 Special Purpose™ autoloaders are finding their way into more homes as a primary defense firearm.

Home defense! That’s probably why Mossberg calls the most attractive of their 930 SPX models — this little number complete with matte black finish, synthetic stock, muzzle brake and bead sight, the “Road Blocker“:

The 'Road Blocker.' Image from O.F. Mossberg & Sons.

I don’t know about you — but I have a LOT of roads through my bedroom, and I’m always whacking zombies who unicycle down them, juggling meat cleavers.

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4 comments on “Mossberg. “Just In Case.”
  1. Pingback: Mossberg. “Just In Case.” « Skid Roche

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  3. Actually, when I saw the Cruiser, my thought was “zombies,” when I saw the Mariner my thought was “zombie pirates,” when I saw the JIC II Takedown my thought was “zombie hit men,” and when I saw the Sandstorm my thought, of course, was “zombie harem girls.”

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